You know, the 1973 sci-fi film Zardoz is a really appropriate metaphor for my first summer in Boston - nay, my entire existence. The most obvious correlation is Sean Connery, but it goes beyond that.
Here are futuristic, immortal humans living in a "vortex" of limitless intelligence, but with no idea how an erection works. I am immortal, in a sense, through my words and deeds: words like, "How do you like them apples? You like them? Why don't I bake them for you, put them in a pie?" And as for deeds, I just took out the trash with a towel on my head and no bra (and the trash bins are across the street). This immortality is seemingly indestructible, as is my knowledge of classic Star Trek episodes and Eddie Izzard stand-up. But I am forever stumped by the sex act: how, and why, does it work? An ageless question deserving of an ageless answer - Sean Connery comes to mind.
But really folks. I understand complex innuendos and can write some fantastic R-rated penguin stories, but I'm completely inept in the common-sense-practical-application department. The only legitimate solution I've found has involved Sutter Home Zinfandel, Malibu and Pineapples, and a healthy dose of cable TV. When Zed looked into that tabernacle (read, virginity!!!!), he saw those three things, and he saw me sitting in an empty room, staring at my empty hands and shouting "Why! Why!"
Zardoz has achieved a 44% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and I hesitantly recommend it.
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